WHEN FRIENDS LEAVE....

Last night, a very close friend of mine, left to do her M.S in the U.S. A frequently occurring phenomenon, nothing unusual about it, I know. Yet I can’t help but feel a little bit lost. No more when I am bored can I just pick up the phone, dial her number and talk endlessly, just meaningful nothings. Gone are the sleep-overs, theatre visits, restaurants, gang get tog ethers, private conversations, laughter and tears. It’s all going to be purely virtual. She and I have known each other for sixteen years. We studied in the same school right from Ist standard and continued our entwined lives in the same college.

What makes her leaving more painful is that those twelve years together in school, did nothing to make us close. Yeah, we were friends. I do not deny it. But, were yesterday a reflection of four years ago, when she was leaving for her boarding and we said our last byes, I could easily have said,” Bye! Have a good time the next few years”, turned away and walked off unaffected. Instead, as she left, when we said our last byes my heart could not but will her as she walked away to turn around and wave again hoping for one last bye and a wave. And when she did, hope again for another last bye right until she disappeared from all our sights.

I shall miss her. Miss all the things we did together. But what truly makes me feel low is a fear. A fear of whether things will really be the same when she comes back. In those last few moments when we all exchanged those last statements of ‘promise you will mail regularly, don’t dare forget, scan all photos you take there” all that kept running in my mind was “What if she slowly forgets to mail back? What if the new friends she makes might not be too nice? What if distance in miles leads to a distance in our minds? What if she changes and will no more be that amazing mixture of wise beyond her years, yet charmingly innocent?” .A thousand ‘Ifs’ that were running through my head, a thousand ‘Ifs’ unanswered. Only time can answer these questions. And time is a cruel mate who makes you wait and at the end of it all wont necessarily give you the answers you would want from it.

In the end, during those final hugs and farewells unable to contain myself, I burst out and told her, “Just one thing I want from you. Please don’t ever change. Come back the same person”. And when we all walked off, everyone of us were silent and had no words to say. Yet, we knew exactly what the other was thinking about.

Our Fight

A few hours
Like eternity

The heart feels
A wild tightening
The hours are drag
The day looks dim

My smile feels
Frozen on lips
A forced action
For sake of civility

The eyes feel
The need to cry
Tears somehow
Refuse to flow out

For the first time
Ever since we met
Your voice unheard
Your breath not felt

A few hours
Like eternity!

The rain dance

She sat on the terrace looking pensively at the velvet blue night sky. . She tried to guess how many stars were there. She yearned for his embrace when the cool night breeze touched her. The sound of music floated by from a music class nearby. She thought about the children who were singing, each one singing louder than the other- their innocent attempts to impress the teacher. Life used to be so simple…

The moon was playing peek- a- boo with the clouds. It showed its face for a brief moment and went into hiding again. Even the moon was cheating her, just like life. The train of thought was threatening to take on a sadder, cynical note. To shake it off she began to hum in unison with the children’s voices. A calm came over her. She savored the nostalgic tug at her heart when the breeze, the music and the children’s voices melted together. She longed for happy days again.

She lay down on the floor and stretched slowly, conscious of every small movement she made. She closed her eyes and the shapes started looming in her mind. Everything came rushing back…

They were meeting after a week. She was willing time to move faster. She could not wait to see him. Their previous meeting had ended on a bitter note. They had quarreled again and had not spoken since. Today he had called and in his gruff style said, “Let’s meet, usual time, usual place. Bye.” She felt the familiar flutter again. The anger, the bitterness, the loneliness vanished without a trace.

It was at this moment that she realized that her love ran deep; she could never give him up. Her ego left her and fond memories took its place. A single teardrop escaped her eye and landed on her desk. She saw it glistening in the sunlight. It was full of color. Oh! The magic of this voice…

Finally, after seven hours of hearing the clock tick laboriously, she was at the beach waiting for him. He never kept her waiting, but today she had waited half an hour already. She watched the waves rolling towards her and beckoning to her as they receded. A boat tossed about merrily in the distance, carrying fishermen returning from a day at the sea. She felt like running up to the horizon and touching the sky where it met the sea. She was her usual high spirited self again. Life could not be better, Yes! He was back.

She was musing about her childish dreams and laughing to herself when someone touched her from behind. She turned to see his grim face. She was puzzled why she had not known it was him. She always sensed when he was close by and intuitively turned around. Today she had not even recognized his touch. Something was amiss.

She searched his eyes for the hidden love, but in vain. He had never once told her he missed her. Today she just wanted to scream out how much she had missed him, how desperately she had waited for him. But she held back when she saw his cold eyes. She let her eyes do the talking; they asked him what was wrong. He could not meet her eyes. He turned away and they stood facing the sea, the rhythmic lashing of the waves filling the silence between them. Still facing the sea, he spoke, “It’s over, I have to move on.” And he walked away swiftly without turning back. She watched numbly till he disappeared into the twilight, he had disappeared from her life. She stood there for she knew not how long that night.

…the music that had filled her senses a short while ago sounded like screeching. The breeze chilled her till she shivered. A whole year had passed, she had not cried once. Her life had been shattered by his parting sentence. He had moved on. She never wondered why. She just let the pain seep through her and drain her off her energy day after day for a year now.

As she lay there lost in melancholy, a heavy raindrop fell on her forehead; she felt a sharp pain. There was a loud crack of thunder and another raindrop fell and another and another... till she was soaked. Then the tears started gushing from her eyes. She got up and began and a slow dance in the rain. Slowly her steps got more and more springy. She felt alive again. The rain had washed him away. She smiled…

Creativity

Draw a crazy picture
Write a nutty poem
Sing a mumble-gumble song
Whistle through your comb
Do a loony-goony dance
'Cross the kitchen floor
Put something silly in the world
That ain't been there before.

~ Shel Silverstien

People come in your life ...

People come in your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. Each person is an answer to unasked questions and silent prayers made to almighty."

Here's an in-depth look at this concept.

REASON... People that come into your life for a reason are usually to meet a need that you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a GODSEND, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die or they just walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

SEASON... Then there are people that come into you for a season because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME... Then there are relationships for a lifetime. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

I have noticed that many times attraction is misunderstood as love and when the attraction dies, so does the relationship.

- lyanla (pronounced Ee-Yan-La) Vanzant (African-American speaker)

Smells of life...

I fill myself with the smells of...

freshly cooked rice

baby talc on my niece’s skin

shampoo in the hair on a lazy yet fresh Sunday morning

wet earth after the first rain

perfume as i deck up for a special evening

new stationary

I Miss U

When ever I think about you

I realize how blue I am without you

When I want you to be around me

There’s no place where I find you

I want to let you know

That you don’t know how I feel

When you just turn your back and go

You don’t know how I feel

When you ignore me

And yeah I forgot to mention

The ATTITUDE you show me

Then when you come to me

Like nothing has happened

But then it’s too late

Cause I am filled with pain and anger

I wish to tell you all that I went through

But I can’t

Because I usually make stupid decisions when I mad

So I try to hide

My tears and broken heart

And try to pretend that we are still friends

i miss u

Distance is nothing

I often find myself thinking about the good times we've spent together........

and it always gives me a happy feeling.

no matter how long we're apart or how far away you are,

a very special part of you goes with me everywhere.

warm thoughts of all the happy times we've spend together, makes all the miles between us disappear.

Life

……

watching the candle burn…

the ‘cutting’ chai at a road side stall on an early morning…

an unexpected phone call from a friend saying she misses me…

a plate of hot steaming “chole” at marine lines…

a tight hug from my darling niece…

holding hands with her…

a good night’s sleep besides by my grandma…

the pitter-patter of raindrops…

the morning dew…

the splash of colours at sunset ma’s lecture for not taking care of my health…

late night talks on the phone with a close friend…

writing down my favorite things in life in a candlelight…

talking, laughing, having fun…

walking through the woods…

listening to music, anytime, anywhere…

gazing out of a train window…

cooking a surprise meal for ma…

watching the last of raindrops fall from the leaves after the rain stops…

the ice gola in summer…

the pickles in winters…

the bad patches in life……
and the better ones that soon follow…

the mornings when I move around with a dance in my steps…

a cute puppy…

licking off the tip of an ice-cream…

window-shopping with no money in pockets…

a heart-to-heart talk with ma…

a good pillow fight with didi…

missing dad…

hearing about our childhood from parents…

getting nostalgic about the good-old college days…

a ride with her on the bike…

a spicy pani-puri, followed by a sadha puri…

sleeping on my ma’s lap, and feeling her fingers move through my hair…

a plant nursery…the view from a mountain top after a treacherous climb…

a family get-together at a function…

satin ribbons…

sitting quietly in a temple, watching people pray…

the smell of new stationary…

éclairs…

a full-moon night…

a quick afternoon nap…

a dinner with close family friends…

a blind date…

a strong filter coffee…

steaming dal-rice served by ma…

sunflowers…

a slow train...

a five star Cadbury…

“Tom & Jerry” on cartoon network…

a heavy breakfast…

amazing wallpapers for my computer…

cooking up fairy tales and stories of Krishna for my niece…

watching her frightened face as the demon arrives…

watering the garden early morning…

a peacock’s feather…

a home-made sandwich with a tasty ”pudina” chutney…

a rosebud in the garden…

watching her when she’s asleep…

dancing in the rain…

long journeys in the state transport buses…

a late night action thriller…

a sudden, out-of-nowhere kiss from her, interrupting my nonstop chatter…

writing long, heartfelt letters to dear ones…

baby pink colour…

a good book…

pot-painting…

painting a house…

running my fingers through her hair…

watching the fish swim…

a rainbow…

a splash of colours…

the smell of carbon as I blow off the candle…
.
.
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life… hmmmmmmmmmm